Recalculating...

Do you have an annoying GPS that talks to you?  You hear that woman (or man's) voice after you drive past the turn you should have taken calling out to you "Recalculating..." and then they suggest a U-turn or a redirection.  This is where I am in my life.  Chaos has taken over and swung me quickly down the road in a direction I never wished to go.

At the beginning of this year, I was sure that I would get to work hard to make life a little more simple, a little more manageable.  Apparently, that was wishful thinking...

It has been non-stop crisis after crisis, chaotic event after chaotic event since then.

I am definitely not going to chronicle all of those events here, but I am writing to say, "hello!" and that I miss writing. I cannot believe it has been seven months since I have posted!  Writing is always so cathartic for me and I have truly missed it lately.

As I have read over some of my previous posts, a list from this post stood out to me...

My list of changes to make in 2014.
1. Return to pumping and quit using formula (as much as possible) for the twins for the times I am not around or they need a supplement.
2. Get serious about saving money for a down payment on a new house. 
3. Take time to unplug from the TV and the computer more often.
4. Make our home organized and presentable.  (Clear out the clutter that has accumulated from being pregnant and adjusting in life and finally get good- or at least better- at cleaning and tidying.)
5. Make myself organized and presentable. (Return to making lists, wearing make-up at least occasionally, wearing real clothes rather than house clothes, etc)
6. SLEEP MORE and choose health over convenience.
7. Take time for God, service to others and fellowship with my church community.
8. Spend more time with Christian.
9. Get out of the house!! Both alone and with the whole family. 
10. Find more ways to stay positive and relaxed.
11. Let go of mommy guilt!
12. Prioritize items of importance on my to-do list, not just the urgent ones.

I quite literally don't know that I have achieved or even had a chance to focus on even one of these goals this year so far.

The first item on the list can be crossed off as I was forced to quit nursing this summer when I had to take antibiotics that I could not take while breastfeeding.  The rest of the items I have not even thought about.  It has been a difficult year.

If I look closely though, I think I can boil those 12 items into three main areas that I want to really improve upon. 

1.Take Good Care of Myself

2.Be Mindful in the little things

3.Prioritize Faith, Family, Work and let the rest go...

Maybe I can start simplifying my life by simplifying the goals I have for myself. :-)

Have you taken time to evaluate your life lately?  To refocus your energy and heart on the things that are worth your attention?  Have you kept any New Years Resolutions?  Had some that didn't work out?  Feel free to share here!

In His Grace,

Rachel 

Lullabye's for Jesus

Every night I sing to my kids.  Since the twins, Peanut and Melody all have different bedtimes, that means I sing three different times.  Peanut and the twins get rocked and sung to for several minutes before laying down to go to sleep (then they get more singing and rocking if they have trouble going to sleep for any reason).  Melody gets stories, a prayer, songs and a few minutes of snuggles before saying good night. 

Bedtime is one of the hardest most labor intensive times of the day at our house since everyone is still in the phase of needing so much love and care to help them drift off to sleep.  Even as I write this Melody is laying quietly in her bed with the door cracked (so she has some light) while she waits to fall asleep.  She will probably wind up with a few more hugs/kisses and snuggles before the night is over if she can't fall asleep on her own.

Tonight as I sang to each of my kids, I couldn't help but be thankful that every day, three or four or more times a day, I have a reason to sing and praise God for His goodness.  The songs of my childhood- camp songs, hymns and the like- flow out of me and I remember the connection I felt to God when I sang them growing up.   I am glad that my children will hear hymns and traditional songs and associate it with sweet memories of being tucked in bed by their parents, and I'm glad that I have a reason to sing. 

Eczema and Mommy Angst Part 2

Here is Part 1 of this post- be sure to read there first.  Full Disclosure: There is more talk of baby poop here.  If you'd rather not read about that, feel free to skip this post also!

Round of Antibiotics for Craig #2

Craig seemed better.  He slept better. His poop was thicker a few times. Things were looking up.

Then yesterday the diarrhea came back.  I checked his temperature and it was back to 100.

Did he catch strep throat again?

Is his eczema infected again?

How do I figure this out?

Obviously, we will be making another trip to the doctor this week.  But I just can't help but wonder what is going on?

Why does he even have eczema?  What will make it better?  Will I be able to help him figure this out?  I want SO BADLY to figure out the why's and the hows of this eczema thing, so that by the time he is old enough to talk about it, I have answers for him and a list of things that help or heal him.  With my asthma, my mom and modern medicine were always able to put me back to normal, even after a really difficult time.  I am so worried that the solution won't be so easy for Craig.  (The same feeling tortured me when Peanut wheezed for two months last year in spite of intervention.) I feel constantly plagued that maybe he is not healthy.  Maybe he is sick.  He is my "fussy" baby.  He comfort nurses until he can't comfort nurse anymore.  A lot of times he needs me with him to fall asleep.  Is he just sensitive and attached or is he trying to tell me that something is not right with him?  In the meantime, we are also missing vaccinations since you can't get them when you are sick and running a fever.

Mostly we are good... I usually can't even tell anything is wrong with Craig at all unless I take his temperature or change a (liquid) poopy diaper.  He plays and laughs and snuggles and is pulling up to stand and trying to cruise around the furniture.  This is a strong but sensitive kid (every woman's dream... I will have to watch out one day!) and a toy stealer.  He is over 20 lbs and in the 90th percentile for height and weight!  I absolutely love this sweet boy.  I am just a little crazy over this eczema thing.  Like I said before... I want to be able to fix it for him.  I want to make it go away.  Just like my mom did for me.

My little Craig-y.

Does this mommy angst ever subside?  I know I get it honestly.  My mom could teach a class about how to worry about your kids.  I used to laugh at my mom and her worrying ways. But now I understand them.   I am becoming my mother in a lot of ways.  Yet even as I write this, I am remembering my mom's words of comfort- to lean on God and trust him to provide and care for us.  My mom was successful because her source of healing came from the Ultimate Healer. It didn't come from her (as much as I would like to think it did).  It came from God.  He was in my mother's touch and my mother's decision making ability.  And He can provide that for me too.

So, Lord, hear my plea. Give me wisdom. Give me your healing touch for my children. Give me a heart that leans on you in hard times, so one day when Craig is lamenting that he can't fix something for his own children, he will remember that You were there for him when he was a child, so you will be there for his own child.  Help me trust you more- even in adversity- in infections that don't seem to want to go away and eczema that is painful and not healing (yet).

And mom... if you are reading this, thank you for always taking care of me when I was sick.  Thank you for leaning on God to provide for us and teaching me that He is faithful.

And to you dear friend or reader, if you have made it through all of this personalsw4 processing, thank you for sticking with me.  Your support is welcomed and appreciated. But please... no horror stories of eczema or illnesses in the comments... and prayers welcome. :)

In His Grace,
Rachel

UPDATE: After writing this post, Craig's fever went down to 99.2 and then the next night was down to 98.8.   He also had some thicker poo's! So whatever was ailing him, I am pretty sure it is on it's way out.  I am one relieved and thankful momma!

Eczema and Mommy Angst Part 1

WARNING: There is talk of baby poop in this post.  If you don't want to hear about it, 

then you can skip this one.

So here it is in written form.

Craig has eczema.

I have chatted with a few friends about it.  I have researched way too much about his eczema online.  It bothers me mentally and emotionally constantly.  I love all of my children so much and if something is wrong with them, I (of course) want to fix it.

Growing up my mother did an EXCELLENT job at learning how to manage my allergies and asthma.   So much so that I have grown into a person that doesn't feel defined or limited by these problems even though they are somewhat limiting.  As a mother myself now, I desperately desire to learn to manage my children's ailments so that I can teach them how to manage them when they are old enough.

But some things just seem complicated.  Like eczema.  I am having trouble working this out.

When Craig was about two months old, I noticed he had dry skin on his legs.  I didn't think a thing about it.   "Oh, dry skin... no big deal... babies get it... it goes away."

Then after a few weeks (months?) it dawned on me... this is not going away. 

Then I googled "infant eczema" having no idea what would pop up.  That was probably the biggest mistake of my life.  HORROR stories about people with eczema and how it controlled (and ruined) their lives were everywhere on the internet.  Anyone that knows me will tell you that I cannot stand listening to deep dark tales of what terrible thing happened to so-and-so (especially when it doesn't effect me or someone I have a connection to) because it effects me SO MUCH emotionally.  I found myself treasuring the sweet skin that Craig did have that was not effected, since I was afraid that it would later be covered by dry scaly weeping places.  And to a large degree, I was right.  Eventually, most of his arms and legs began to change and become covered in red and dry, weeping spots.

So my stress level about eczema went like this...

I learned that steroids would not be safe for babies since things put on a baby's skin can enter the their bloodstream prior to six months old.  Apparently it is why babies should not wear sunscreen or go swimming in chlorine, etc.  However, at Craig's four month check up, the doctor recommended Hydro-cortisone cream as the only solution while I began experimenting with cutting out certain foods.  I wasn't ready to use hydro-cortisone cream yet.

So we found some helpful solutions at around four months:
1.  Prayer
Honestly, we began to pray for Craig directly- laying on hands and with authority for weeks (and making a call to Bethel church and having him prayed for)- and parts of his eczema (noticeably his forehead and patches on his legs) began to clear up A LOT.  It was amazing.   Besides some of his eczema clearing up, it was a good time of being ministered to by God personally also.

2. Water + Cerave Lotion
Several times, I wet Craig's skin and put lotion on it while it was still wet.  This seemed pretty effective.

3. Bathing Once/Week
This seemed to be the perfect balance for bathing between not too much and not enough.

4. Only wearing cotton clothing

5. Putting all of our clothing on an extra rinse cycle to get out any extra detergent (and using all free and clear type detergents and dryer sheets.)

6. Vitamin D supplements (not sure if he really needs this, but many people have found it has helped their eczema!)

However, by his six month appointment there were two pretty significant spots (in the creases of one elbow and one ankle) that became open wounds and had a yellow film indicating infection (in spite of the fact that many other spots seemed better).  Just after this appointment, he began to have diarrhea.  One round of antibiotics later, he still had yellow film on the areas and still had diarrhea. 

I thought maybe the antibiotics had caused the diarrhea- or maybe he was teething?- or maybe he was having very loose stool due to not eating solids (I delayed that past 7 months).  Sometimes when he ate bananas or sweet potatoes his bm's would thicken up (sorry if this is TMI... you were warned!)

Finally, Melody got sick with something too (another story for another post?) and Craig had an outburst of what looked like hives (that I could not pinpoint a cause for), so I took both kids to the doctor the same day where Craig tested postive for strep throat.

Continue reading Part 2 of this post.

Inspire Me! Monday... Put your blinders on!

Welcome to the sporadic postings of Inspire Me! Monday. :)

Today will be a short post (okay- in retrospect it's not short at all- ha!), but hopefully a meaningful one as I share a thought with you that has been burning in my brain for days now.

A friend of mine (who I have mentioned before) who has an awesome blog, business and love for Jesus, wrote a post recently that I want to share with you.

Before I link you to it, I want to tell you what stood out to me most.  I don't know that these were her exact words, but they are close.  Here's what caught me eye (and what I can't get out of my head) from her post.

Wake up each day and do what God wants YOU to do.  Don't wake up and look at what another blogger, pinterester, friend, etc is doing and then wonder if you are doing enough.  Wake up and figure out how YOU are supposed to live YOUR life according to God's plan for YOU.  Period.

Here's the link to the Post: Little Bit Funky, A Resolution For Us All!

In general, I don't play the comparison game.  I don't look at Crystal's blog and think "She does so much and I feel insecure today, so I think I'll decide that she and others like her must not have her priorities straight."  Ummm.... no.

However, I DO fall prey sometimes to looking around at what others are doing and think... "Maybe I should be doing that too?  They are obviously amazing at following God and serving their family, so maybe I should follow their example!"

I forget that instead of modeling my life after really great people and all the great things they are doing, I should be modeling my life after ONE person.

Each day that I am given has a purpose and a plan.  And at this point, believe-you-me, it looks different than most other people's lives I know!  I am semi- housebound with a low immune-system child and 30 weeks pregnant with twins which makes me feel like a big walrus lumbering around.  I am realizing that in order to do what God wants me to do to serve my family in this season, it takes doing a very little bit at a time with a LOT of focus. 

What kind of terrible trap would I be setting for myself if I compared my list of *four things* I must do today to another person's of 10, 20 or 50 things to do today?  What have I gained if I spend my time chasing and trying to achieve what other people are doing if I am neglecting my own purpose in life?

So for Inspire Me! Monday today, think about God's purpose for you and you alone.  Take one step at a time no matter what your life looks like and know that God's plans are greater than what everyone else might be doing.  If we as Christians all focus on the His purpose for our lives, that is how we function as one body.  All of us have different roles, jobs and amounts of work to do based on our own special abilities.  Be encouraged that God created your purpose with you in mind.  And there is no shame in obedience to Him- even at the expense of not doing what everyone else is doing.  Today I pray that you will lay your life down to the only One that matters and find yourself to be lifted up.

Love,
Rachel

"You are worried and upset about many things, but only ONE thing is needed." Luke 10:42

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you^.  Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.  Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. " Proverbs 4:25-27

Verse of the day...

"Then He said to them, 'Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions."

Luke 12:15, NASB

My Personal Political Pep Talk

Last night, I got really sad about the election.

Really, really sad. 

Not because I hate all the candidates for presidency, or because the world is going to h*ll in a handbasket... not any of those things at all.

I was saddened by knowing that no matter which candidate I voted for, I felt I was sacrificing.  Sacrificing really important values.  I repeat... no matter which candidate I voted for I felt I would be violating some of my most valued principals that I wanted represented in Washington. 

I feel this way less because of the actual candidates this time around and more because of where the party lines in our nation fall on certain issues.

I know a lot of Christians feel that one side represents their values very well (one way or the other), but I am not one of those Christians. 

As I was researching about the candidates yesterday- still a little undecided- I found this article.

And it reminded me of this...

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ..."

Philipians 3:20

I love that the article I mentioned above points out that "the only Christian nation in this world is the church, the holy nation that transcends all human-made walls, boundaries and borders."

So this is my personal pep talk to myself after voting the best I could before God today. 

I voted for a president today (and some other people), but when all is said and done tomorrow (or whenever we find out the results of the election)... this world will still not be my ultimate Home.  Our nation, the world and every person in it will still be in need of Christ's incredible sacrifice to cover the stain of our sin and sinful natures.  Tomorrow, I will still live my life in light of God's priorities the same way I did yesterday, irregardless of who our next leader is or what policies are voted into being.  I will always serve Christ my King above any other and be a citizen of the one Kingdom that "cannot be shaken."  (Hebrews 12:26-29) 

My identity will never be found in a nation, a political party or even in a stance on a moral issue. 

And I can rejoice in that.

This is my identity... A citizen of heaven. A life that is bought (and saved!) with a price.  God's adopted child.   A "co-heir with Christ".  A friend of God. 

No matter if a nation rises or falls, if a democrat or a republican is president, You are my God, and I am your Child.  You love us and will continue to rescue us from our own selfish, prideful selves.  May we never forget who we really serve... and that we can serve you in any environment... be it in freedom or in slavery, in abundance or in want, in joy or in sorrow, in any language, in any place and in spite of any government.  I am Yours.   

In His Grace,
Rachel

Inspire Me! Monday... Doing What You Dream of!

Personally, I have a several different dreams for my life.  The first one is really simple.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  It's what I was made for.  Even among my friends, they always called me the "mom" of the group.  Constantly worried for others safety, convinced we would get caught if we ever did anything slightly different than what our parents wanted (this lasted till college) and compassionate toward others' problems, I definitely earned my reputation as extremely mom-like.  In elementary school, I dressed up as a "professional babysitter" for career day.  (I wore a long skirt, a cardigan sweater and carried a baby doll.)  I have always known that I LOVE children- even when I was one.

Today's "Inspire Me!" Monday post is dedicated to doing what you love.

Are you currently doing what you love?

Being a mom and a wife is my #1 purpose (and on most days I really love that).  But since I was seven or eight, I have also always loved ballet.  I'm not sure what it is about dancing (and particularly ballet), but it has always "hit the spot" in a way that no other activity could.  The French language and experiencing Francophone cultures is another one of my passions.  Above everything though, is my desire to know God's plan for my life.  Following that has always come completely first- irregardless of what other things I enjoy.

In my life, I have gotten married when part of me was longing to live overseas; I have worked when I would rather have been caring for my family and my home; I have lived in a small town when I longed to live in a city; and I spent many years without any connection to dance while I longed to return to something that made me so happy to do.  I have always tried to choose God's plan over my own, and for a long time that did not include doing certain things that I really wanted to.

Now, I'm not complaining at all.  I am just saying that for everything there is a time and a place and a season. 

Like now- I am loving teaching dance part time and choreographing part of our Christmas show this year.  Working with students and putting on a production fills me in a way that nothing else can, and I am thankful for the green light I have gotten from God and my family to dedicate a limited portion of my life to a local dance studio.

Writing on this blog is even like that too (but of course it always come second to my family, which is why I am a bit on again off again around here).  Another creative outlet that allows me to work on another passion (writing and staying connected with others).

I think that it is amazing that for a time, I lived in a situation where a lot of my personal dreams were put on hold and now, years later, I have an outlet for several of them.

What dreams are on hold for you today?  What dreams are you getting to live out?

Now, in the midst of me being really thankful that I get to live some of my dreams out, I could totally try to tell you that if you are in a season where you are waiting on fulfilling those dreams, then you should just be patient.  I could probably get away with telling you that God will honor your season of waiting with a season of fulfillment.  But I don't believe that is a guarantee.  God is good, though.  And I can guarantee you that trusting God with your head and your heart completely is always the best choice for your life one way or another.  When I trusted God with my dreams, it didn't have anything to do with thinking that one day I would get to fulfill them.  Instead it had to do with trusting a bigger God.  A higher being.  Someone better than me at planning my own life.  God does create people with a purpose and (ultimately good) plans for their lives.  So living that out can be more exhilarating than anything we could possibly plan on our own.

So those are my thoughts on living out our dreams, God's plans and finding fulfillment in your role in life.  Here are some more thoughts on living your dreams in true Inspire Me! Monday fashion...

Being a Mom- AND following your God Given Dreams

The Right Fit (and a little pixie dust)

And here's a post that goes along with what I was talking about yesterday...

Reader Raid: A Happy Homeschool

And here's one that is just plain funny...

I was Snape.

Please pray for those of us toward the East coast waiting as hurricane/tropical storm Sandy hits.

I hope you found Inpsire Me! Monday refreshing to return to today!

Prayers for all of us!

Rachel

Hospitals

No Inspire Me! Monday post this week, but I will impart to you a random Saturday post.  Mostly because I am at the hospital with Peanut, he is napping and there is not really much to do.  I brought a computer with me, but you can only stare at Facebook so long- or at least I can only stare at facebook so long.  I know some people could get sucked in all day, but I really find it boring after catching up with the friends you actually still know or or interested in... Or maybe I just don't have many friends since it doesn't take me all day to be caught up with them?  Ha!

So maybe I will take time to say some Thank You's...

Peanut is doing better.  So thank you Lord.  Thank you Lord for no RSV, no true Pneumonia or Bronchitis, no need for CPR (all of which could have happened).  Thank you, Lord, for Peanut's life, that he is still here and still blessing us every sweet day that we are with him.

Thank you friends who have been baby sitting for us.   Thank you Nicola, Katie, Jenny, Kristan and my sister, Renee for keeping Melody and encouraging me while I do the hard job of bringing Peanut back to the hospital under stressful and scary circumstances.

Thank you to my hubby for being so flexible.  He probably won't read this, but I am truly thankful for how available you have been to jump into anything.  Taking on handing people their MK orders if they swing by the house even though we have always said I wouldn't make you my MK grunt.  :)  Thank you for tackling laundry, tidying up and taking off work when I need you.  Thank you for jumping in at 4am and feeding Peanut when I am so sleep deprived I can no longer think complete thoughts.  Thank you for your patience with me while I re-learn what it's like to have a newborn.  You have given me so much grace and support in this process.  Thank you for appreciating my job as Mommy and Foster Mommy.

Thank you to my mother in law who is here for the second week-end in a row to help out, and thank you to my mom who will be coming next week-end. Sometimes even Mommies need their Mommies.

Thank you to my sister who stopped by and offered hugs and moral support. 

Thank you to my church for just being plain awesome and loving foster children and foster families.  Thanks to Lindsay and Serena for the food you brought us (yum!) and thank you to everyone who has been praying.

Thank you to Amy, Katie, Kristan, Carly and family, Corrine and everyone else who has had to adjust their lives or cover for me when I haven't been able to do the normal things I usually do (like take a girls trip or be there for work).

An update:
Peanut is doing much better.  He is slowly being weaned back to normal levels of oxygen and while there is still some obstruction in his lungs it looks as though he is getting better.  He is definitely on quite a few meds but nothing extreme (reflux meds and inhalers and such) and they seem to be helping him.  The doc said this morning we are looking at a Monday or Tuesday discharge date.  We will see.

Peanut has hit the 7 lb mark (SO BIG!) and is gaining weight on a non-milk based 24 calorie formula better than the 22 cal milk-based formula that he was on.

I am so thankful... and somehow that seems a better thing to think about for half an hour sitting a bit bored at the hospital than browsing aimlessly on Facebook. 

Now that I have spent some time being grateful, maybe I will head over to Pinterest.  :)

Wishing I had a brought a book (or a friend)!

Rachel