Thoughts about twins...

I'm just going to say at the outset of this post that I have no idea where it is going...

There have been so many thoughts rolling around in my head lately about how our life is going to change though that I really feel the need to get SOMETHING out on "paper".

I just finished directing part of a Christmas show at the local dance studio where I teach and now that the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over, my mind is practically exploding trying to take in all the ways our lives are about to change.  Going from two kids to four all of a sudden- and having those two additional be twins- is just something I am having a hard time grappling with.

I keep desparately searching the internet for someone who has been in our situation.  A family that has a special needs child and twins.   A family with four kids and the twins came last.  I wish there was someone who could say they've been exactly where I am and this is how you get through it.

I told my sister today that I am superwoman.  That I have to think of myself as a superwoman, otherwise I might crumble in this stage.  For a few weeks I will have FOUR KIDS AGE TWO AND UNDER.  Then when Melody turns three at the end of march I will have four kids age three and under and THREE KIDS AGE ONE AND UNDER.

I often ask myself "Am I insane?" and then I remember... I didn't chose this!  Yet even still, I don't mind being chosen for this challenge because each of these children is already the GREATEST GIFT I could ever have in my life.  They give me so much joy... I can't imagine life without them.

So I guess what worries me is the HOW of it all.  HOW am I going to manage a one year old's schedule (who will still be functioning like an 8 or 9 month old) and also manage two newborn's schedules?  HOW will I keep my daughter feeling loved, nurtured and special when I have SO MUCH else going on? 

And I guess now that I have felt so tired and so not like myself (from being pregnant) for SO long I wonder, will I ever TRULY feel back to normal?  Will I ever actually get my energy back?  Will breastfeeding twins completely deplete my energy?  Or will I bounce back and feel like everything is easier once I am no longer pregnant?  Will I have enough help?

The unknowns are getting to me.  Not knowing what life will be like is killing me.  It's like having "senior-itis" when you are pregnant.  It's not time for these babies to be here yet (and they can definitely stay cooking in there until 38 weeks if they like!) , but I am still anxious to meet them and begin meeting this challenge and making it happen.

*Insert Big Sigh Here*

Now I've gotten some worries off my chest, here are the things I can actually do something about...

1. Plan an overnight for Christian and me away from the kids and chaos of life.
2. Clean out the clutter from our house and make room for two more babies.
3. Tie up as many loose ends as possible before babies get here.
4. Pack a hospital bag and solidify plans for our kids in case of early delivery.
5. Pre-register for birth at the hospital and sign up for birthing classes, making sure I know the hospitals policies about twin birth since I want to do it naturally.

Wow.  I guess I have a lot to do before these twinsies get here! Surely it's enough to keep me occupied for the next nine weeks!

Just praying that I have the focus and energy (in spite of being exhausted because of being pregnant with twins) to get prepared for all of this.

*Insert another deep breath here*

I guess I will just need to change my thinking to match the little engine that could... "I think I can. I think I can!"  and pray for grace... lots and lots of grace.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Rachel